Phuket... the wealthiest and most expensive province in Thailand and most commonly pronounced, foo-ket. But poo-ket, as it is correctly pronounced, has more interesting twists and turns than an old school M. Night Shyamalan movie. I arrived in Patong Beach, undoubtedly one of the richest towns in all of Thailand. It was like stepping back into the real world again, running past McDonald's and Starbucks just like I did in Ko Samui. But Ko Samui has nothing on Patong's shopping mall, complete with all the stores we have back home. There was even a movie theater in it, which I thought was pretty cool. That night I went to see Fast and the Furious 4, which I liked, but going to see it was more about experiencing a foreign theater. This town was so expensive, I didn't eat in a restaurant for two days, I just ate street food... which is fine, it's all part of the experience.
Patong Beach wins the award for being the sleaziest, cheesiest, and most awesome town all at the same time. What's weird about this place is that it is a family destination as well as a town filled with hookers, lady boys, and sketchy European dudes looking to "try things for the first time". All day long you see husbands and wives holding thier young children's hands, but when the sun goes down and dinner's over, the strips of bars open up, the corny, pony tail-wearing men come out, and the LadyBoys start shakin' their... whatever the hell it is they got down there.
What was significant about my experience at Patong Beach was that it was during the Songkarn Festival, the Thai New Year. Simply put, the Thai New Year is an all out water fight. Thousands of people fill the streets with Super Soakers and buckets in hand, and you just start firing away at people. And if you don't have a Super Soaker, you stand at one of the bars next to a big tub of water and splash passer byers. You will not and cannot stay dry. I was soaking wet head to toe from 11:30 a.m. until 2:00 a.m. And no one is exempt from getting soaked... policeman, guy driving a motorbike, old wrinkled woman, they're all getting wet. I would have loved to have recorded a video of the event, but it was an absolute impossibility, as the moment I stepped outside I was hit in all directions by water guns and hoses.
Walking down the street early in the day, Super Soaker in hand, I teammed up with three guys from Seattle and we had a day soaking and getting soaked. We joined a bar's team with other people that were drinking there and protected the bar from other "soakers". We posted up and unleashed on anyone walking by, often singling out an unlucky fellow wearing shorts that were just alittle too short by American standards. So along with the Seattle guys, we had some Aussies, Scandavians, and loud screaming Thai girls. Whenever I saw someone walk by wearing a Yankees hat, I made everyone understand why that person needed to be absolutely drowned in water. Luckily, one of the Seattle boys was a 'Sox fan, so atleast he truly understood the fury behind it. Thai guys and Europan guys wearing these Yanks hats probably had no idea what "Fuck you, you Yankee fuck!" meant, but they all still deserved the 8-on-1 water malay. I saw one guy wearing a Dallas Cowboys jersey and a Thai guy wearing a Rutgers Football shirt, so I made sure their ears were filled with as much water as possible.
Because we were getting wet every minute of the day, we went out that night wearing nothing special. I wore a pair of mesh shorts and a ripped up white tee, without any underwear. This served to be quite problematic, as "the tuck" became my biggest ally of the night. The club scene is a blast, as long as you are skilled in the art of fighting off ladies, boys, and ladyboys grabbing at your crotch all night.
Just so you have evidence that I am not exaggerating any of this, enjoy this You Tube clip of last year's Festival...
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